I’ve been struggling lately, mentally.
The signs have been pretty obvious to me. I’ve been irritable. Tired. Feeling overwhelmed. Some of that was work related… but mostly it came from nowhere.
Last week, things came to a head, as it were. I spent half a morning crying for no reason at all… just feeling despair, just… sadness.
Stupid depression.
TW // suicidal thoughts
I reached out, to friends and family, and the amount of support and love I received was amazing. So many people messaged me privately, offering support and their cell phone numbers.
It was only later that I realized that I reached out on September 10 – World Suicide Prevention Day.
It was a coincidence, I swear. Although I have been suffering from depression for several years, I haven’t felt any impulse to harm myself. Not since I was a teenager, anyway.
Still, many people with depression contemplate self-harm, and sadly many follow through. If you ever feel that way, please reach out to someone. Call the Suicide Crisis Helpline – 988, call or text it – or just call 911.
I gradually felt better as the week went on. On Friday, I started feeling like going trackside, something I haven’t done much of. I wanted to go out at sunrise.
Saturday morning came, and one of the cats woke me up around 6 AM. I fed her, checked the weather forecast, and decided to leave the house.
Trains Ahead
I chose to keep it low-key. Head up to the CN Rivers subdivision, a few kilometres west of Winnipeg, and soak in the sunrise. No chases, just take what comes, or doesn’t come.
As it happened, there was a train heading west as I approached the railway line. I followed the train for a few kilometres, and as the sun rose above the low clouds, I shot the tail end at mile 17.9.
That was a good start.
I left my vehicle there, and started walking along the gravel road parallel to the tracks, just taking in the sunrise. I photographed a few details here and there, whatever caught my eye. No stress.
It was nice.
As I turned to walk back toward my vehicle, I saw the sun near the signal tower. It all came together.
I was very pleased with this photograph. Everything just lined up nicely.
Eventually I decided to fall back to mile 14.3 aka “Diamond”, where the CP Glenboro branch line crosses the CN main line. I didn’t have to wait long after that before a westbound train came along.
CN 3261 and blue CN 2038 were on the head end of a relatively short grain train.
I chose to “stop down” the aperture, so the shutter speed was really low and the train would be blurred to show a little motion.
Not long afterward, CN sent one more train my way, an eastbound potash train led by CN 2803.
This one I elected to shoot “conventionally”. It looked pretty nice facing the morning sun.
After it passed, I packed up my gear and followed it into Winnipeg. It wasn’t going super fast, so I was able to get ahead of it and shoot it again at mile 8.3, where the CEMR line diverges from the CN main.
That was enough for me. I got my “fix”.
Just One More Thing
On Sunday morning, I felt like riding my bike, so off I went for a ride. A long ride, as it turned out!
I use the Strava app to track my cycling, and it told me this was my third longest ride. I was tired by the end of it. Good thing there are no hills of any consequence!
This is a very long-winded way of saying “take care of your mental health” and reach out if you need help. Mental health is as important as physical health, even though it’s less visible.
Ride on!
I understand the feeling. My family’s yearlong drama with our neighbour had me down nearly 15 pounds and often feeling the same feelings you do. It’s only in the last few weeks that I’ve begun to feel appetite again and a desire to do my gardening, something I haven’t done in more than a year. Often, the sadness comes without warning but the recovery also surprises. Just keep reminding yourself that every episode has a beginning, middle and an end. It’s important to focus on the fact that every period will end. Do what you need to do to get to that end, so you can do the things you love.